A Declaration by the Authority of the United Democratic States, 

When in the Course of human events, it becomes desirable for a people to strengthen the political bands which bind them to the central State, and to reinforce the dependent station to which the numerous volumes of Laws, and their corollaries, entitle them, despite contempt for the opinions of mankind, they should declare the causes which impel them to this insistent reliance.

We hold this doctrine to be enforceable, that most men are born inept, and therefore must be granted certain Rights, that among these Rights are Ample Nourishment, Adequate Housing, Safe Transportation, Quality Health Care, Economic Certainty, Security, and ultimately, Happiness. –That to award these rights, Governments reign over Men, deriving their just powers from the high station of their Councilors, –Whenever populaces become critical of their ends, it is the Right of the Government to disregard the dissent, and to institute more Laws, laying their foundation on conformity and organizing their powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect the perpetual supremacy of the ruling Class.

History, indeed, demonstrates that the grip of Governments long established are often strengthened for any conceivable cause; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more secure in accepting the crumbs that are offered them from their Betters, than to foolishly abolish the forms under which they are humbled. But when a long history of abundance and luxury obtained by the industrious, independent, and the unwitting benefactors in their employ and vicinity, evinces a design to hold men personally responsible and often enriched, it is the Government’s right, and the insistent dependents’ duty, to throw off such a system, and to provide Sentries for the establishment and continuing security of the ruling Caste’s authority. –Such has been the patient sufferance of American citizens; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to continue on the path toward total dependence facilitated by demands on the unjustly capable and endowed. The history of the United States is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations of rights as enumerated, all having in direct object the establishment of a system of individual pursuits, of risk and reward, where one receives only what one earns. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid globe.

• The current State has only sluggishly Assented to reams of new Laws and Regulations, the most wholesome and necessary for the common good.
• Large districts of citizens have refused to relinquish Representation in the Legislature, a privilege inestimable to the impedance of proper State control, and the democratic will of the majority.
• Citizens have opposed with manly firmness State invasions on their independent disposition, and the State has rebuked this slothfully and inadequately.
• Current law has obstructed the Administration of Social Justice by barring the enactment of Laws for establishing stronger collection, administrative and distributive powers.
• Learned Magistrates of well established tenure are constrained when establishing and enforcing just laws as deemed fit to manage an aimless populace.
• The erection of the multitude of New Offices, and the swarms of Officers sent hither to harass the people is wholly inadequate in number.
• The Military has been rendered dependent on, and inferior to, the Civil power.
• The domestic State’s constitution has yet to officially coalesce with the edicts of International Governing Bodies in order to properly establish a jurisdiction founded on worldwide economic justice, and lasting global peace.
• Over-privileged Americans are generally under-taxed and under-regulated.
• Citizens’ unrestricted travel causes unpredictable distribution of population and currency, causing undue complexity in societal planning and management.

In every stage of these Impediments We have Organized for Change:  Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by gradual acquiescence. A Government whose character is not marked by acts which may define a redistributive society, is unfit to be the ruler of a dependent people.

We have not been wanting in attentions to our Countrymen. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend a free economy and to decentralize the State. We have reminded them of our refusal to emigrate to countries more to our liking. We have appealed to their sense of social justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow independence and its results, which would inevitably interrupt our lurch toward pure democracy. They too have been deaf to the voice of social justice and of discordant diversity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Demands, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies as Sovereigns, in Subjugation Friends.

We, therefore, the willing Subjects of the United Democratic States of America, in General agreement, appealing to the already appropriately humbled of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of the Earth, solemnly publish and declare, That the people of these United Democratic States are, and of Right ought to be subdued by the benevolent central State, and are Dependent on the will of such; that we are Absolved from all Allegiance to the concepts of individualism, and self-interested pursuits. We recognize the Government’s claim to full, unchecked Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, regulate Commerce, approve Vocations, impose Taxes, claim Property, police Travel, standardize Salaries and to do all other Acts and Things which powerful central Governments must do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the repetition of a world history replete with domineering State control, we mutually demand a Goliath Central State, the abolition of the de-facto merit system, and the redistribution of all wealth and resources to affect fairness, and to quash economic inequality and self-interest.

In tribute to the lovable and unembarrassed Al Sharpton, and his new battle cry, “Resist we much!” (what? … too soon?), I give you this review of David Kahane’s Rules for Radical Conservatives (RFRC). No matter who you are, if you read this book, you’ll be a better person. Now, let’s explore why.

This book is not what you might think it is. The title may suggest that it’s a book of organizational lists, and guidelines on how to use Facebook as effectively as the White House does. Two-inch-thick lists of social media tips and talking-points have their place, but many of us have already read about forty-three of these, and number forty-four is just going to have to wait. As helpful as those 3 lb. working outlines can sometimes be, they’re not always the best use of one’s limited time. Incidentally, if you haven’t read at least one of those, you probably should, but after two or three, the overkill point stands. Conversely, despite the ring of its title, RFRC is not a long list of rules and tips at all. It’s different. You should read this book.

Surely by design, the tone of RFRC closely emulates that of its evil twin, Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals (which you should also read sometime). Like Alinsky’s book, the tenor of RFRC is a bit raw and meandering at times, but this imitation of authentic leftist writing generates a subtle wittiness. The humor is not found in punch lines, but rather in the author’s overall attitude, and revealing thought patterns. So you see, it contains some clever humor, but you need to keep an eye out for it (sort of like watching a good mockumentary). If you have a free moment, read this book.

Consider the customary makeup of genuine leftist text: breathless nattering designed to impress the reader with enough psycho babble and long-winded explanations of simple concepts to convince the audience that the author is an avant-garde visionary. Kahane’s writing hits this nail on the head with a big yellow hammer, but to an end we can all appreciate. Incidentally, don’t let the words “nattering” and “long-winded” scare you off. It is precisely this drawing of a left-wing caricature that allows the author to dig deep and produce an inspired analysis of the American left. I recommend you read this book.

Throughout RFRC, Kahane, the privileged, red diaper spawn of snobby, Upper West Side communists, maintains the smug, erudite attitude that we have come to expect from our Progressive betters. The part that makes this fun and refreshing is the fact that he proudly boasts of his condescending attitude, and precisely, almost profoundly, explains the psychology behind it. What’s more (much more), is that Kahane tells us in very specific terms all about us—Conservatives. This is some second-hand navel gazing that is long overdue. By now, it should be clear that if our helpful enemy, Kahane, didn’t handle this frank analysis, it was never going to happen. This is where the message of the book really begins to settle in. You may think you’ve done the proper sort of inner-searching, but wait until you get a load of this.

One point that should be made at this juncture of the book review is that you should really read this book.

Just as one would expect, Kahane’s almost suspect honesty does eventually heighten to its anticipated peak, and it delivers big. As though sodium-pentothal were involved, he spills the pointed truth about the left’s weakness, and how they can be defeated. Hint: they’re weaker than you think, they know it, and they’re on their shaky knees praying to Gaia that you don’t notice. In fact, an overused reference to The Wizard of Oz would be well-placed here—but let’s leave it out. Basically, overcoming the left won’t be as difficult as you might think, as long as you’re willing to dip your feet into the same mud pit they leach around in. Double-hint: the future is a true release from the left-handed stranglehold—should you just grow some . . . well . . . they come in pairs. Read the book.

If you’re not willing to get a little muddy, that’s OK. You can just start stockpiling food, ammo, and TP in preparation for the confiscation of the food, ammo, and TP that you’ve illegally stockpiled. You could also write a few paragraphs about how great America used to be when Americans were free, and then hide the paper under the insulation in the attic—you know—for your grandkids. Have you ordered the book yet? If not, get to it, and then start reading.

You’re probably following quite well the generalities mentioned in the above paragraphs, but are these spoilers? Having read this review, can you now simply skip the book? No! The little insinuations left for you here are nothing. You know nothing until you’ve read the book; all 279 pages (which has an epic ending by the way). In fact, if you read the book, you will be more attractive, have a quicker wit, a stronger heart, and your feet will never get cold. You will learn from this book. More specifically, you will learn things you need to know from this book! Have I mentioned yet that you should read this book?

We’ll this now! We’ll this right! We’ll this win! Good God Almighty, We’ll this book!